There are certain things that one wants but does not wish to receive as gifts; an example of this is the gift that my mother gave me this Christmas, a gym membership. Really, mom? Are you that desperate for me to get a boyfriend? Last year, I bought her a museum membership, but nothing about that gift screamed, “You’re single and it’s probably because you have cellulite.” So as I was thinking about gifts to give this year, I came up with a few holiday presents that subtly say, “Go fuck yourself.”

A gym membership is a great way to chip at someone’s self esteem, but if you don’t have the cash flow, Spanx also let that special someone know her ass needs a harness.

I’m not even making this up; one Christmas my sister was changing in the same room as me, and I noticed that she had a huge, hairy bush. Immediately, pressuring her to conform to societal standards of beauty, I shamed her into doing something about it. And, being the asshole that I am, I bought her a hair removal kit as a gift. You’re welcome, sis.

Wanna make someone feel like a real shit bag? Buy that person a self help book that communicates what a huge loser he or she is.

Another humbling Christmas gift is one that says, “You are alone in life, and it’s because you have a filthy vagina.” Giving a vaginal cleanser as a gift is a perfect way to passive aggressively call out your whore friends.

Yet, out of all the gifts that scream, “You have no life, loser,” my personal favorite is a membership to a dating service. Because, really, aren’t we all ultimately worthless in the eyes of our peers without a significant other?

Happy holidays, and good luck shopping for that special someone!